Parenting 101

Prescription Drugs: What Kids Are Taking

2008-11-21T00:56:00.000-08:00

Depressant: Xanax
Nicknames: Z-bar, bricks, Benzos
Generic: alprazolam
Legitimate uses: Treats anxiety and sleeplessness; is an anticonvulsant
Kids take: Orally, or occasionally by crushing and snorting
Effects: Wooziness, floating feelings, mind-and-body numbness

Depressant: Valium
Nickname: blues
Generic: diazepam
Legitimate uses: Treats anxiety and sleeplessness; is an anticonvulsant
Kids take: Orally, or occasionally by crushing and snorting
Effects: Euphoria and sleepiness

Stimulants: Ritalin, Concerta
Nicknames: Rid, vitamin R, jif, R-ball, Ritty, Rits
Generic: methylphenidate
Legitimate use: Treats attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children and adults
Kids take: Orally, or by crushing and snorting
Effects: Intense feeling of energy and increased concentration

Stimulant: Adderall
Nicknames: beans, black beauties, Christmas trees, double trouble
Generic: amphetamine and dextroamphetamine
Legitimate use: Treats ADHD
Kids take: Orally; crushing/snorting
Effects: Intense feeling of energy and increased concentration

Painkillers: Vicodin, Vicoprofen, Tussionex, Lortab, Norco
Nicknames: Vike, Watson-387, Tuss
Generic: hydrocodone
Legitimate use: Treats pain
Kids take: Orally; crushing/snorting
Effect: Intense euphoria

Painkillers: OxyContin, Percodan, Percocet
Nicknames: OC, cotton, Percs
Generic: oxycodone
Legitimate use: Treats pain
Kids take: Orally; crushing/snorting
Effect: Intense euphoria

Painkillers: Avinza, Kadian, MS Contin, MSIR, Oramorph SR, Rescudose, Roxanol
Nickname: Morph
Generic: morphine
Legitimate use: Treats pain
Kids take: Orally; crushing/snorting
Effects: Euphoria and hallucinations

Prescription Pills: The New Drug of Choice for Teens

2008-11-21T00:39:00.000-08:00

By Annemarie Conte

Prescription pills are cheap, easy to explain, and even easier to score. But kids don't even realize how deadly their new drugs of choice can be.

It was just after dawn on one of those hot, sticky July days when the sun doesn't rise so much as slide up slowly like an egg poached by the humidity. Minutes earlier, a small platoon of police officers had eased their cruisers onto the side streets of Whippany, a prim New Jersey suburb. They drove past rows of vinyl-sided McMansions with fake-brick facades and matching Palladian windows, past Sports Authority basketball hoops and sleeping Audis and SUVs. Then, just like their cohorts from several other nearby towns, they parked and waited, the sweat trickling down under their Kevlar vests. More than 200 officers, each linked by radio to the task force headquarters, stopped at all-but-identical houses across three counties, pumped with the kind of adrenaline rush that comes from being part of a major takedown.

Less than an hour later, more than 50 kids and young adults with bed head, in T-shirts and flip-flops — many just roused by their shocked parents telling them that the police were at the door — stumbled into the central command unit to be processed. Among their number were recent graduates, star athletes, an actress in a school play, their wrists secured behind their backs with plastic handcuffs, just like they'd seen on Law & Order reruns.

At the center of it all was a baby-faced 18-year-old with gelled-back hair who was one class shy of graduation at Whippany Park High School. One of Evan Rokoszak's friends describes him as "sweet, goofy, and fun to be around." But for months leading up to that sweaty day in 2006, the police (later joined by the prosecutor's office in Operation Painkiller) had been investigating Rokoszak along with the students and recent grads involved in the drug ring he ran, which distributed and sold more than $50,000 of the prescription painkiller oxycodone each month — mostly to other students and alumni.

Almost daily, officers in Whippany had scanned the increasingly complex board at HQ that mapped out the key players in the business, praying that their own children's names wouldn't appear. Considering drug use was so rampant in the school that kids called it Whippany Perc (after the popular painkiller Percocet), how many students could remain untouched? "Everyone at school knew you could get pills from Evan if you were good friends with him," recalls a 2007 graduate who had attended school with the dealer for years. "Suddenly, everyone was good friends with him."

Statistically, too, the officers had reason to worry. Although high school drug use is down across the country, in the past 10 years the rate of prescription drug abuse among teens has risen steadily. Nearly one in five — 4.5 million — admits to abusing medications not prescribed to him or her, reported the 2005 Partnership Attitude Tracking Study conducted by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America.

In December 2007, at a sentencing related to the bust, New Jersey State Superior Court Presiding Criminal Judge Thomas V. Manahan in Morris County described the Whippany teens' activities as "a large-scale drug distribution syndicate," adding that the abuse of prescription drugs "is not so much a plague on our society as a cancer that continues to grow." Rokoszak's family spearheaded a letter-writing campaign to plead for leniency — because the teen, as they put it, "is remorseful and has turned his life around" — but the 30-odd letters were of no avail: In February 2008, Judge Manahan sentenced Rokoszak to seven years in state prison (he must serve a minimum of five). Hearing the decision, his mother broke down, sobbing, "Oh, my baby, my baby."

Schools throughout the country have problems just like Whippany Park's. The difference is that there the authorities took action. But law-enforcement officials elsewhere are catching on, too. Seven youths, two still in high school, were recently arrested in Merrimack, NH, on charges of distributing the prescription painkillers Vicodin and Klonopin, as well as marijuana, to other high school students. In May, 75 students at San Diego State University were arrested in a massive bust where police confiscated vast quantities of illegal and prescription drugs, weapons, and $60,000 in cash. Among the coeds picked up: a criminal-justice major and a homeland-security grad student. Perhaps most disturbing, in February, 14 students at Castle View High School and Castle Rock Middle School in Colorado — one of them a 13-year-old seventh grader — were caught using or distributing Vicodin and oxycodone, acts which would be felonies if adults committed them.

None of these arrests surprises the experts. Pharmaceutical abuse has become so commonplace that it has filtered down to younger kids: Prescription drugs are now the number one illicit drug among 12- to 13-year-olds, according to the 2006 National Survey on Drug Use and Health. And their own kid's arrest or even conviction is not the worst thing parents have to fear from this epidemic.

Pretty Pills, and Deadly

Adults think of prescription drugs purely as medicine, but kids have come up with ways to create effects similar to what they'd experience from street dope — from crushing pills to circumvent timed-release controls to doubling or tripling dosages or simply downing handfuls. What's more, if parents are in the dark regarding these drugs' potential for abuse, they're also often blind to how deadly they can be.

"As a mother, I was worried about cocaine, crystal meth, and drinking and driving — but I had no idea prescription drugs were an issue," says Francine Haight, an R.N. who lives near Laguna Beach, CA. In the winter of 2001, her son Ryan, an A student and star tennis player, was looking forward to starting college later that year. So she suspected nothing that February evening when he arrived home from his job in the plant nursery of a big-box store. He spent some time in their Jacuzzi, then went upstairs to bed. The next afternoon, when Ryan still hadn't gotten up, his mother went into his bedroom to check on him. He was dead, from an accidental overdose of Vicodin, Valium, and a trace of morphine. He'd been prescribed these drugs over the Internet by a doctor he'd never met; the prescriptions had been filled online by a pharmacist he'd never seen. "He didn't understand the dangers," Haight says. "He knew everyone had pills like these, so he figured they couldn't be dangerous. The doctor wouldn't prescribe them for you, and the pharmacist wouldn't give them to you, if they could kill you, right?"

Accidental-poisoning deaths among youths ages 15 to 24 increased 113 percent between 1999 and 2004, mostly due to prescription- and illegal-drug abuse, reports the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Upping overdose risks: Four out of 10 teens believe that prescription meds are much safer to use than illegal drugs — even when they are not prescribed by a doctor. What's more, nearly three out of 10 teens think these drugs are not addictive, according to the Partnership study. Kids trust prescription drugs because they're mass-produced, FDA-approved, familiar medicines. Even the nicknames teens give them — "jif," "Z-bar," "cotton" — suggest childhood treats and comfort food.

"I've heard many kids say, 'I'm not doing hard drugs. I wouldn't use heroin,'" says Troy Faddis, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the clinical director of the Aspen Achievement Academy, a wilderness recovery program in Loa, UT. "But opiates like OxyContin are the pharmaceutical equivalent of heroin."

"Your brain doesn't know if the high came from heroin or an opiate pill," agrees Roger Weiss, M.D., a professor of psychiatry at Harvard and the clinical director of the Alcohol and Drug Abuse Treatment Program at McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA. "Some teens who experiment with these drugs never use them again. Some try them and don't start using heroin but do get addicted to the prescription opiate. And some get physically dependent and progress to heroin. You don't know how you'll react." Like adults, kids can build up a tolerance to these drugs, and crave them in ever-greater quantities. And teens' common practice of mixing prescription pills together, or with alcohol, street drugs, or OTC products like cough syrup, increases the risk exponentially. "Combining creates a greater chance of accident or overdose," explains Dr. Weiss. "Kids are more likely to fall out of a window or to walk in front of a car because they're more intoxicated."

Easy Access

Teens often don't even have to leave home to get their first taste of prescription drug highs, points out Joshua Lyon, 33, author of the forthcoming book Pill Head, a chronicle of several teens' and young adults' struggle with prescription-painkiller addiction, as well as his own. "It's not like most parents are keeping unused marijuana or cocaine in the medicine cabinet," he says, but they often have old pills they don't keep track of. More than three in five teens say prescription pain relievers are easy to get from their parents' medicine chests; half say they're a snap to obtain through other people's prescriptions; and more than half say pain relievers are available everywhere, according to the Partnership study.

Case in point: Sara Swanson, who grew up in suburban St. Paul, MN, the daughter of two recovering alcoholics. "My parents always warned me about alcohol abuse," explains Swanson, "but my mom had back problems and never dreamed I'd take her muscle relaxants." Swanson moved on from her mother's pills to other drugs, trading cigarettes to her friends for their Adderall. "I loved the pills, and they were so easy to get," she says. "I'd look at the recommended dose and then double it."

Swanson, 18, has just graduated from Sobriety High School, a charter school in Edina, MN, attended by 60 students recovering from addiction through 12-step programs. But it took a failed suicide attempt — waking up to find friends asking her why she'd purposely tried to overdose — to make her realize she needed help.

In addition to "borrowing" from relatives and bartering with friends, hooked kids often get their fix by buying from dealers — both teens like Rokoszak and career criminals with a history of distribution. Those dealers, as well as more enterprising kids, may fill their supplies by using falsified prescriptions on- or off-line, by visiting multiple doctors and going to pharmacies with legal prescriptions, or by out-and-out theft from drugstores or homes.

Thanks to Francine Haight, however, Internet drug dealers should soon have a tougher time selling to kids. "For three years after Ryan died, I was in shock and could hardly function," she says. Despite her grief, she made the effort to speak out at colleges around the country and at a drug-awareness symposium for the DEA, and she founded the drug-awareness organization Ryan's Cause: Reaching Youths Abusing Narcotics (ryanscause.org). In April, the Senate passed the Ryan Haight Online Pharmacy Consumer Protection Act of 2008, which forbids U.S. online pharmacies to supply controlled substances to anyone without a valid prescription from a doctor he's met with at least once. "Unfortunately, Ryan's story is just one of many. We know of at least 18 people who have died due to overdoses from drugs purchased on the Internet through rogue pharmacies, and even more who have entered rehabilitation or suffered injuries due to these drugs," says Senator Dianne Feinstein, Democrat of California, a sponsor of the bill, which was working its way through the House of Representatives at press time.

Everyday Abuse

Easy availability, combined with kids' misperceptions of prescription drug safety, may explain why pill popping has become so accepted as part of the weed-and-alcohol culture of high school parties. "I don't think it's bad. There's no particular reason I didn't do [prescription drugs]," says one recent Whippany Park graduate who was friends with several of the arrested kids. "It's not any worse than drinking or smoking pot. Yes, it's illegal, but taking pills doesn't make you a bad person by any means." The Partnership study found nearly one-third of teens (7.3 million) agree that there's "nothing wrong" with using prescription drugs without a prescription once in a while.

The ways kids are taking the drugs now underscores this relaxed attitude. "We're finding that teens are no longer holding exclusive 'pharm parties,' where they'd get together and bring all the pills they could find, the way they did in years past," says the Aspen Achievement Academy's Faddis. Instead, they take them throughout the day, as a routine part of life. "School was really stressful, so kids would pop pills or snort Adderall during class to make it go faster," explains Anders Torgersen, 17, of Huntington Beach, CA. Torgersen asserts that when he was an athlete and top student at a strict private middle school, pressure to excel led him to start taking prescription drugs. "I loved Vicodin because it made me feel like God," he says. "If I punched a wall, I couldn't feel it. I had more power and confidence on the pills." He began dealing the meds in his freshman year of high school. He estimates that 70 percent of his schoolmates used drugs.

As Ryan Haight's and Torgersen's experiences suggest, any kid — even bright, motivated high achievers — can be lured by prescription drugs. But experts do see some common threads. "Many of our students have self-esteem issues. They start using the pills as a way of self-medicating for school or family problems and underlying depression and anxiety," says Faddis, who in 2007 performed a small but suggestive analysis of 37 kids in his program. He found that 34 of them had been evaluated to have parent-child relationship problems, such as serious breakdowns in communication and mutual respect. Other research indicates that using drugs can make kids feel more independent and grown-up. Teens who take alcohol or any kind of illegal drugs report feeling older than their real age, found a 2007 study from the University of Alberta in Edmonton. "One explanation: Kids are using drugs because they think of drug-taking as an adult behavior," says Kelly Arbeau, Ph.D., coauthor of the study. Torgersen, who just started his senior year this September at the Oakley School in Oakley, UT, an addiction-recovery high school, echoes Arbeau's analysis. "I was trying so hard to be independent. I thought I was mature," he says. "I wasn't."

Preventive Parenting

In September 2006, a few months after the Operation Painkiller bust and with a newfound awareness of their drug problem, the townspeople stationed police officers at Whippany Park and its sister school full-time to get to know the kids and keep an eye on their activities. A year later, the school district instituted a random-drug-screening policy, whereby kids are tested and, if the results are positive, parents are notified. The policy has been controversial among parents concerned for their kids' privacy, but anecdotal evidence suggests a reduction in abuse. "These measures have been a deterrent," says Sibila Dubac, guidance coordinator and substance-awareness coordinator for Whippany Park High School. "They've increased awareness and decreased incidents." She adds that kids are afraid of getting caught, and don't want to lose on-campus parking or extracurricular privileges.

Regardless of what measures schools take, however, primary responsibility for keeping kids drug-free remains with parents — and there are steps you can take to reduce your child's risks. "Parents need to talk about drugs with their kids, not just to them," says Haight. "You learn so much when you let them talk, and once they know you're receptive, they're not afraid to come to you." As for when and how to approach the topic, "there's no easy answer that will apply to all families," says Faddis. You know your child and what she responds to best. "But your attitude is important," he adds. "If you seem to be disciplining, rather than nurturing, she may just get defensive." You want your child to be safe — that's what you need to communicate to her. He recommends starting with something like, "I'm worried, because drugs are a big problem and anyone can be sucked in, especially if they have bad information. I don't want you to get hurt." Be brief (experts say that the effectiveness of the discussion falls off after the first few minutes); have this conversation more than once; and be honest — it's your conviction, as much as the facts, that will carry weight with your child. If you want a supplement to fill her in on the details, the DEA has an educational Website for teens on the topic of drug abuse: justthinktwice.com. In accessible language, the site covers all kinds of drugs, including controlled-substance prescription meds, and offers advice from peers, as well as links to where kids can find help.

Another critical step, says Pill Head author Lyon, is to remove temptation from your house. Though it may sound obvious, few parents take the precaution of locking up their prescriptions, noting on the bottles how many pills should be left in each — and checking them every two weeks. "If you buy a gun, you don't just keep it lying around," he points out. "You lock it up in a safety box." If your child takes a daily prescription, like Ritalin, keep the bottle yourself and give him only a day's worth of pills at a time. The Partnership for a Drug-Free America's Not in My House campaign suggests further that you dispose of any leftover pills by mixing them with kitty litter or coffee grounds to make them unpalatable, putting the mixture into an empty can or bag, and throwing it in the trash. (Flushing pills down the toilet can cause them to leach into the water supply.)

Finally, parents should watch for behavior change. "Signs could be alterations in your son's or daughter's sleep/wake cycle or mood patterns — or you might observe a new level of secretiveness and sneaking around," says Dr. Weiss. The specific indications can be as seemingly minor as your child copying song lyrics about drugs in her notebooks. "Granted, all of these things can occur normally during adolescence, and every kid is different," Dr. Weiss adds, "but parents tend to know their kids well — and when they are really changing."

Like Torgersen, whose grades barely dipped, many kids become functioning addicts, and even observant parents may miss or misinterpret what symptoms there are. When Francine Haight looks back on the last months of Ryan's life, she realizes that there were small clues: He was more quiet than usual, slept more, and started hanging out with friends she didn't like. At the time she rationalized that he was reacting to her divorce from his father, the death of their dog, school pressures, or his sister's leaving for college — anything but drugs. "I just didn't pick up on the signs," she says.

If you do suspect a problem, it's essential to address it with your child, say experts. Admittedly, this is easiest to do when you already have a strong, communicative relationship; if you don't, Faddis counsels bringing in outside help, like a therapist, right away. While parents may feel conflicted and worry about antagonizing their child with accusations, Sara Swanson's mother, Michelle Swanson, can testify that discovering the truth and following through should take precedence. "I was scared to death that Sara would hate me for confronting her and accusing her of using drugs," she says, "but I was more afraid of finding out one day that she was dead. I wanted to be my daughter's best friend, but at that critical time in her life, I had to be the parent."

"They were willing to listen to what I had to say and decide on the right consequence," remembers Sara, who says she benefited much more from the counseling and treatment her parents got her than she might have from stern lectures and grounding: "If they had shut me in my room, I'd have been so much more depressed than I was."

Several months into Evan Rokoszak's jail sentence, his Facebook page, strewn with postings, was a virtual memorial to him and his former life. "[Everything] is so different without you, we all miss you so much," reads one post. And, apparently without irony, "What doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger."

Drugs didn't kill Sara Swanson — but she has a different take on what's helped her grow stronger. "When my parents intervened, I hated them for ruining my fun, but I respect them 20 times more now that I can think clearly," she says. "They were there for me when I needed them. If they hadn't figured out what was going on with me and spoken up, or if they just turned their heads, I would probably be dead right now."

Teaching Your Child About Democracy

2008-11-21T00:05:00.000-08:00

Future Voter

Before Election Day:

Tune in together. Analyze campaign ads on YouTube. Kids are skilled TV watchers. Ask them to identify an ad's message and decide whether or not it's fair.

Get out on the trail. If candidates speak nearby, take your kid. Or put up signs together in your neighborhood to show her how people can support a candidate.

Lead dinner discussions. Start with kid-friendly questions like "At what age should people be able to vote?" Also share your own stories of memorable elections during your lifetime.

On Election Day:

Take her to vote. Let her watch democracy in action. Seeing the booth will make it less intimidating when she first votes.

Explain why it works. Post-poll is a good time to discuss how elections make a nation strong. Point out that voting gives all citizens a chance to contribute.

Celebrate! Watch the returns or throw a party. The key is to inspire your voter-to-be.

First-Time Voter

Before Election Day:

Make sure she's registered. Deadlines vary, but in most states, she must sign up 30 days in advance. Find state-by-state guidelines and registration forms at declareyourself.com.

Help her decide where to vote. If she's away at college, she can cast an absentee ballot or register and vote there. That way, she will have a say in the government where she's living.

Respect her opinion. Discuss the issues, but let her decide. Don't expect her to be in lockstep with your politics.

On Election Day:

Remind her. Call, e-mail, or text her. It's not nagging; it's showing you care about her and you want to be sure her voice is heard.

Suggest going with a group. Voting as a family or with peers makes it a fun outing — and more likely she'll go.

Celebrate! Voting is a milestone, so have breakfast out afterward, or send a congratulatory card or e-mail.

Getting the Message Across

2008-11-04T23:17:00.000-08:00

While there's no one-size-fits-all approach, there are ways to get your kids' attention and cooperation -- no matter how much he may grumble.

Play the independence card. Nobody loves being told what to do -- especially teens. Knowing they can handle themselves without someone directing them is very motivating." When you suggest a lesson, say to your teen or tween, "I'd like to show you how to cook a few dishes [or other life skill], so you can take care of yourself when you're on your own."

Talk about safety. Every once in a while things go wrong; it makes sense to address life's realities. Say: "Stuff happens. To be safe, you need to know what to do in case of a power outage [flat tire, etc.]."

Be matter-of-fact. When teaching even the simplest skill, make sure your tone isn't condescending. Also try to explain the benefits of doing something a certain way. Try, "Separate the dark clothes from the light before washing or you'll end up with gray underwear."

Get specific. Break the job into small steps and work with your teen for a few lessons until he knows what he's doing. Be very explicit about what you expect: "The lawn mower gas can has to be recapped and put back in the garage, not left on the lawn." Compliment all efforts.

Look for an opening. When your kids complain "Chicken again?" have them plan a meal, including putting the ingredients on the shopping list, and prepare it with your help. Assign each kid a day of the week to fix dinner. Or at bill-paying time, have them write the checks for you to sign, as practice for when they have their own account.

Ask what they'd like to learn. You'll get nowhere trying to force-feed your ideas to an uninterested child. Instead, start with something he wants to master, then build from there. For example, say, "Now that you've conquered your favorite pasta dish, how about meatballs or turkey burgers?"

Appeal to the ego. Have your son teach you something, like how to download material to your new iPod. In the glow of his success, he may be more open to listening when you bring up money management.

Time the lessons. If he's a morning grouch, don't suggest a new skill at the breakfast table. Don't try to recruit her as your sous-chef while she's watching her favorite TV show. Likewise, the teen who has daily swim team practices may be more receptive on the weekend than during the week.

Know when to back off. Nobody likes to be micromanaged. Similarly, don't impose arbitrary standards. Your vision of clean, sorted, and folded laundry may not match his. When kids view things as a parent's personal taste, they feel less obliged to comply. As long as he's made a reasonable attempt, let it go. If he doesn't care whether his socks are paired, so be it.

Highlight what's in it for her. Point out that if she makes her lunch, she gets to choose what she eats. Or if she learns to make lasagna, you'll reward her by helping pay for a dinner party for her friends.

Basic Training: Teaching Kids Responsibility

2008-11-04T23:11:00.000-08:00

Kids who can handle everyday tasks are happier and more confident. It's never too late to start teaching them what they should know.

What Kids Need to Know

Print this list and keep it where you can refer to it often. When your tween or teen learns a new skill, give yourself a pat on the back, too (for your good parenting and because you'll have fewer things on your to-do list). As your child learns, you get the satisfaction of watching her mature into the competent person you always hoped she'd be.

Food

Use microwave

Plan and shop for a healthy diet

Read nutrition labels and know what's good and what's not

Prepare, serve, and store food to avoid spoilage

Cook a well-balanced meal

Know which kitchen tools and equipment to use for which tasks

Money

Make a weekly or monthly budget and stick to it

Use an ATM

Open, use, and balance a checking account

Apply for a credit card and use it responsibly

Save up to buy a desired item

Set aside money for charity

Keep track of important papers

Clothes

Sew on a button

Mend a seam

Store garments properly

Follow fabric-care labels

Do laundry, including treating simple stains

Wash and dry items by hand

Fold clothes

Pack a suitcase

Sort and properly put away unneeded seasonal items

House

Know where the circuit breaker is and how to use it

Locate and use water and furnace shutoffs

What to do in case of kitchen fire

Use a fire extinguisher

Perform basic first aid

Fix a running toilet

Hang a picture

Use all household appliances

Car

Pump gas

Check oil level and add oil if needed

Check washer fluid and add more if necessary

Arrange routine maintenance

Jump-start car

Change tire

Check and add air to tires

Produce documents if stopped by police

My son likes to share his problems, but then gets annoyed with my advice and rejects it. Can I be helpful without upsetting him?

2008-11-04T22:59:00.000-08:00

When kids tell you things and then don't want your input, it's confusing and frustrating. But sometimes they just want to vent. The next time he unloads, say, "I'd like to help, but are you telling me this because you want me to just listen or do you want advice too? Either way is fine, but just let me know." Then sit back and let him tell you what he needs.

I saw explicit lyrics my 17-year-old and his friends wrote for their garage band. How can I get him to write about other things?

2008-11-04T22:58:00.000-08:00

You can't force your son to change what he writes. What's more important is what you mean by explicit. If your son, for example, is describing his frustrations about school, politics, or other issues with graphic images and bad words, it's probably a healthy outlet for him (though you still want to know why those issues are bothering him). But if he's singing about sexually degrading themes or violence, you need to talk to him. In addition, ask an adult male he respects to explain that a true man doesn't express himself by demeaning anyone else.

My daughter wants a graduation party. I didn't have one for my son -- we couldn't afford it -- so I feel I shouldn't have one for her.

2008-11-04T22:57:00.000-08:00

You seem to have two issues. You want to be considerate of your older child -- always a good idea -- so make sure your son knows that having this party isn't favoritism. But I'm wondering also whether you think your daughter is asking for something excessive. If that's the case, don't give in! Over-the-top parties can encourage teens to feel entitled. If you decide to host the party, write up an agreement with your daughter about budget, number of invitees, and what you'll do if someone shows up drunk or brings alcohol or drugs.

Our kids aren't allowed on the phone after 9 p.m., but my 12-year-old daughter keeps getting calls from one boy as late as 12:30.

2008-11-04T22:54:00.000-08:00

On the off chance this boy is using your land line, keep the phone close by. When he calls, answer in your most intimidating parent way (meaning, don't threaten him but be very clear that he can't call after 9). If he's reaching your daughter on her cell, then she needs to surrender it to you (which, by the way, all teens should do when they go to bed). If her phone rings, answer it exactly the way I advised if he were calling the house. Be strict with this rule now, and you'll save yourself a lot of headaches as your kids get older -- by, say, intercepting that after-hours text message about the unsupervised party down the block.

My grandson is almost 14 years old and has a best friend who doesn't let him have any other friends. Is there anything we can do?

2008-11-04T22:52:00.000-08:00

When adults come to me with questions like this one, I need to know how they're getting their information. If your concerns are based on direct observation of the teen or he has approached you for advice, that's one thing. But if the info is from a secondhand source, go back to your grandson before you proceed. As the grandmother, you're in a unique position to give comfort and advice because you love him to death while being one step removed. First, ask him to list his friendship must-haves -- the characteristics he values most, like trust, loyalty, and honesty. Now have him describe his friend and compare his experiences with his requirements. If they align, then he's in good shape. If they don't, he needs to think about why he's in a friendship that goes against his needs and he has to decide what he wants to do about it. Throughout, you are his guide, posing questions and helping him develop thoughtful answers. Keep in mind he may not end an unhealthy friendship immediately after a single conversation with you. But having ongoing interactions like this empowers kids.

How can I talk my 12-year-old daughter into attending a neighborhood pool party? She's refusing to go because her friends are more developed than she

2008-11-04T22:51:00.000-08:00

Can we give her a break just this once and let her skip the party? It's not like there won't be a slew of other situations like it in her future. I think 12 is such a tender time, when girls are constantly comparing themselves with one another. When you add bathing suits, boys, and a pool party to the mix, it's that much worse. Instead of forcing her to go, give her credit for talking to you about her feelings and let her stay home.

My 15-year-old daughter has older friends who drive, and she wants to go out with them on the weekends. What do you think?

2008-11-04T22:49:00.000-08:00

Make your guidelines clear: You can get a ride from your friends after practice but not to or from a party. If someone is driving and talking on her cell phone or changing songs on her iPod, tell her to stop talking or volunteer to look for the song. And I know you know this, but the second you get in the car, your seat belt is on.

Parental Control

2008-11-04T22:33:00.000-08:00

There are steps you can take to prepare your Children for their first serious relationship-and to keep them from being overwhelmed by it.

1. Use Songs, TV Shows and Movies as a Springboard for Discussions: When you see Love portrayed as Jealous and Dominating, tell your Child how healthy relationships foster mutual respect and trust, and share your own experiences and beliefs. You can't assume your Teen knows how to behave in a Dating Relationship if his only information comes from the Media, Locker Rooms or Slumber parties.

2. Tell your Child the Unspoken Rules of Dating. It's not Love if your Child's boyfriend or girlfriend uses Demeaning Language, Talks about your Child disrespectfully to other People or Doesn't Allow Your Child to Have Opinions or make Decisions. And remind your Daughter or Son that True Love is about Actions, not Words.

3. Share your Romantic Experiences. Even if they act bored, deep down your Kids want to hear about how you handled your own relationships. You don't have to discuss your Sexual History, but do tell about times you got fed up with bad behavior or appreciated integrity.

4. Assert your Parental Authority. Abusers try to drive a wedge between you and your Child, and they use Verbal Attacks-Chastising, Yelling and making demands-similar to those of a Parent. Boyfriends often take a Paternal Attitude. He tells her how and when to Eat, Dress, Wear Makeup, Sleep or Wake Up. Set Curfews, Limit Computer and Cell Phone Use at night, Require Attendance at Family Activities and Enforce Consequences if your Wishes are ignored. For your Child's sake, you need to be consistent and mean business. It shows that you care and she can count on you to protect her.

5. Monitor Cell Phones. Getting Thousands of Text Messages in a month isn't unusual in Out-of-Control Relationships. Examine Phone Bills carefully, including checking time notations-Kids in a controlling relationship often set Phones on Vibrate and bring them into bed so they're always available. If you suspect a problem, take away your Child's Cell Phone.

6. Consider Calling the Parents. The Abuser's Family might be defensive or unresponsive, but they might also share your concerns. Without using the word Abuse, tell them, I think our Kids see too much of each other: They're on an Emotional Roller Coaster, and I'd like your help in slowing it down.
THE BREAKUP

Follow these guidelines to make ending a bad relationship easier-and safer-for your Child.

DO IT OVER THE PHONE: Face to face may be more cordial, but an Abuser has lost that privilege. A call minimizes the opportunity for further Abuse-Verbal and Physical-and gives your Child some control over the situation. Tell your Child not to say or imply that they'll continue to be friends; the spurned person will try to find a way to resume the relationship.

PREPARE FOR A REACTION: Change your Child's Cell Phone Number, don't allow her to pick up the Home Phone and consider having your Child stay with a friend or relative for a few days. Also ask your Child's School to move her locker and allow her to be picked up early.

CALL THE POLICE: If there's stalking or violence, file charges or ask for a protective order.

WHERE TO GET HELP

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE: 800-799-7233, ndvh.org 24/7 Support, including Referrals to Free Local Counseling for Teens and Young Adults.

LOVE IS NOT ABUSE: loveisnotabuse.com Interactive information abut Dating Abuse for Teens and Parents; Program Funded by Liz Claiborne Inc.

CHOOSE RESPECT: chooserespect.org - Quizzes, Downloads and Information for Teens from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

BREAK THE CYCLE: 888-988-8336 - breakthecycle.org - Legal Advice, Support, Online Communities and Education for Abused Teens

NATIONAL TEEN DATING ABUSE HELPLINE: 866-331-9474 loveisrespect.org - Teen Counselors, Support and Referrals

Pint-Sized Kidney Stones

2008-11-04T22:26:00.000-08:00

Kidney stones have traditionally been limited to the middle-aged, but no longer. More and more children are being seen with this ailment. Drinking too little water is a cuplrit, as is too much sodium. Eating a lot of chocolate, nuts, spinach, tea and wheat bran can also increase the risk of stones. Although rarely serious, kidney stones can cause severe pain and lead to urinary track infections. Symptoms include dominal, back or side pain; pain with urination; and blood in the urine. Small stones usually pass on their own; larger ones may require surgery. To help prevent problems, increase your child's fluid intake (which should be mostly water ) to as much as eight 8-oz glasses a day. Reduce the amount of sodium in his diet by limiting his intake of processed meats, frozen meals, fast foods, convenience foods and school lunches.

The Secret to Good Sleepers

2008-11-04T22:23:00.000-08:00

Sooner of later, most sleep-starved parents attempt a strategy for
putting baby to bed, be it the cry-it-out method or gradually spacing
out nightly check-ins. The good news is, most approaches do work.
The key is finding a plan you can stick with the consistency for seven
to ten days. You can’t just quit after two nights, you have to remember
that it always gets worse before it gets better. For parents who tough it
out, the payoff is substantial. Studies show that when babies are good
sleepers, moms experience less depression, fewer illnesses and greater
marital satisfaction. The entire family benefits.

Getting Your Kids to Care

2008-11-04T22:16:00.000-08:00

Encouraging your teens to be socially responsible with their money is more of a life lessan than a financial one. It's up to parents to teach their kids that there are other ways to spend than buying things for themselves. Because children learn most about money from how you handle your own.

1. Tell your kids about any socially responsible stocks you own. Pick a cause that's reflected in your portfolio-say, animal welfare-and explain why it's important that you not profit from a company that doesn't share your concern and that you support firms that do.

2. Have them open a savings account at a credit union and explain that these local institutions, unlike banks, keep their assets within your community. Kids could even donate the interest earned to local charities or to credit union programs, such as Individual Development Accounts, which match the savings contributions of low-income customers.

3. Give your teens the responsibility of choosing the charities for your family's annual or year-end donations. Even better, if your kids are working, ask them to contribute a portion of their earnings. Just be sure to let them choose how much-which is the best way to foster the giving spirit.

College Prep

2008-11-04T22:03:00.000-08:00

Give your teen a personal-skills checkup. She should know how to do laundry and manage finances like day-to-day spending, checkbooks and charge cards (including those nonstop offers). If you're providing spending money, explain how that will work. Will you make monthly deposits? Weekly? As needed? How will she access it? What exactly is it supposed to cover?

Talk about time management. College schedules are vastly different from the ones in high school, and the workload may be more demanding. Your child should expect to spend three hours preparing for every one hour he spends in class. Encourage him to track his activities in a calendar-on his computer or in a book-blocking out time for sleep, study, classes and play (as well as work and athletic training, if they're part of his life).

Explain that it will be your teen's responsibility to manage her health by eating right and getting enough rest. Sleep and nutrition are two areas where students tend to break down. Make sure she knows where the college health center is and how to make an appointment. She should also know her own health history.

Plan to be moderately involved with your student. How often you speak, IM, text message or e-mail will depend on your child's personality and how he's adapting, but once or twice a week is about right. Somewhere between the every day and not until Thanksgiving.

Make sure your child knows who she can contact at the school for immediate help-the RA on her dorm floor, a dean, the counseling center, ect. You'll both feel better if she has the name and number of at least one specific go-to person.

The Comedy Cure

2008-11-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

When your child is suffering from a bee sting or a sprained ankle, a funny book or slapstick video may make the discomfort more bearable. Watching humorous shows or movies (think I Love Lucy or Laurel and Hardy) distracted kids from whatever was hurting them and helped them put up with pain significantly longer that youngsters who didn't have such amusements. Of course, if your child is in serious distress and you don't know why, it's important to seek medical attention. But for minor aches, you may be able to help him giggle his troubles away.

My daughter's best friend sleeps over a lot and lately I've been wondering whether she's drunk or high. Both girls are 16. What should I do?

2008-11-04T21:52:00.000-08:00

Whenever you have a gut feeling about a teen's behavior, trust it. Ask the girls if either one has been drinking or using drugs (yes, I'm including your daughter). Then tell them exactly why your "something isn't right here" alarm bells are going off. If you get a confession, thank them for being honest but state clearly that the behavior is against house rules. Your daughter will get the punishment you give her and the friend has to call her parents to say they must pick her up and why. Also, tell her she's welcome to return to your home provided that she's sober. If she denies using anything, explain that you still have to share your concerns with her parents. Just remember, your goal is to respond in an empathetic yet firm way.

How do I get my daughter to have better role models? She's 14 and totally obsessed with celebrities.

2008-11-04T21:49:00.000-08:00

Put a block on celebrity TV, stop talking about the people she's focused on, and take a broader view. What you're fighting is the glorification of mindless consumerism and idolizing famous people who aren't necessarily contributing to society. Build her awareness of the big sell by watching movies and TV with her, and having her point out how many times a celebrity promotes a product. Then redirect her interests. If her passion is fashion, sign her up for classes in design or photography. If she loves magazines, get her involved in a local paper. That way she'll learn useful skills and meet good role models.

Many of my 13-year-old son's peers are dropped off at the local mall unsupervised. We don't permit this. Are we overprotective?

2008-11-04T21:43:00.002-08:00

I think you can let go a little, especially because you (or another parent) will be providing transportation both ways. Just review with him commonsense safety issues like not becoming separated from the group or leaving the mall. In addition, be clear about unacceptable behavior (such as shoplifting, looking the other way when friends shoplift, trashing stores, and being rude to store owners). Remember, for most 13-year-olds, getting to hang out at the mall is just the kind of limited freedom they relish.

Teaching Good Nutrition in School Pays Off

2008-10-26T23:48:00.000-07:00

Half as many kids became overweight at five Philadelphia schools that adopted a nutrition program for at least two years, compared with those at five schools that didn't. What worked?

Better Choices. Vending machines were stocked with lowfat, low-calorie snacks including pretzels, baked chips and lowfat grandola bars. Soda was banned. Kids were also encouraged to have water, 100% juice and lowfat milk.

Reward Systems. Students who chose good-for-you snacks and drinks got raffle tickets for prizes such as bicycles and jump ropes.

Prep Time. Teachers had 10 hours of training in teaching nutrition and students got 50 hours of nutrition education throughout the school year.

Family Outreach. Parents were encouraged to buy healthy after-school snacks and discouraged from sending sweets to teachers. Kids were also given a "2-1-5" daily challenge: Spend two hours or less watching TV or playing video games; get an hour of physical activity; and eat five or more servings of fruits and vegetables.

Lighten Up Backpacks

2008-10-26T23:44:00.000-07:00

With all the stuff kids carry in backpacks, it's no wonder they can have back pain at almost the same rates as adults. A few tips from the American Occupationl Therapy Association.

1. A loaded pack should be no more than 15 percent of a child's body weight. If he has to tote more, he should hold the rest or use a pack with wheels.

2. The bottom of the pack should hang no more than 4 inches below the waistline and rest in the curve of the lower back.

3. Heaviest items should go closest to the back.

4. Use both straps. Slinging the pack over one shoulder can curve the spine.

What School Nurses Want you to Know

2008-10-26T23:41:00.000-07:00

Tell the nurse about all medical conditions that could affect the school day, even if they're mild and/or well-managed. There's always the chance of a flare-up.

Don't just send meds to school with your child. Laws about who can give out medication(including over-the-counter drugs) and how to send it to school vary from state to state, so start by asking the nurse what the rules are. If your child has frequent headaches or migraines, for example, she may not be allowed to just carry and take the meds herself.

Keep your child at home if she's too sick to sit at a desk and do work. If there's no fever and she's just droopy from a cold, she probably doesn't have to miss school.

50 Healthy Food Swaps

2008-10-26T23:28:00.001-07:00

Breakfast

Instead of Cinnamon raisin bagel
TRY 2 mini–cinnamon raisin bagels
Why Trading volume for quantity makes you feel like you’re eating more, so you’ll never even notice that you’ve nixed 181 calories.

Instead of Nonfat strawberry yogurt
TRY Nonfat Greek yogurt with sliced fresh strawberries
Why Creamy Greek-style yogurt has nearly twice the protein of traditional yogurt; fresh berries add antioxidants.

Instead of Breakfast quesadilla with eggs, black beans, cheddar and bacon
TRY Egg, cheese and bacon on an English muffin
Why You’ll zap 290 calories and 17 fat grams.

Instead of 4 French toast sticks
TRY 2 whole-grain waffles
Why Choosing the light, airy waffles will save you 202 calories and add fiber.

Instead of Apple-cinnamon instant oatmeal
TRY Steel-cut oats with 1⁄4 cup fresh chopped apples and a dash of cinnamon
Why You’ll still get that apple-cinnamon taste, but you’ll feel full longer—less-processed oats take longer to digest.

Instead of Cottage cheese (1% fat) with sliced bananas
TRY Part-skim ricotta cheese with sliced bananas
Why You’ll get two and a half times more calcium.

Instead of English muffin with 1 Tbsp lowfat cream cheese
TRY Whole-wheat English muffin with 1 Tbsp natural peanut butter
Why Yes, you’ll gain a few calories and some fat, but the fat is the “good” kind and you’ll eat less in the long run. The combo of complex carbs and a little healthy fat keeps your blood sugar on an even keel so you’ll stay fuller longer.

Instead of Corn flake cereal
TRY Bran flake cereal with raisins
Why Just 1 cup provides you with about a quarter of the fiber you need in a day. (Corn flake cereal, on the other hand, has hardly any.)

Lunch

Instead of Smoked turkey and Cheddar on a baguette
TRY Natural sliced turkey with roasted peppers on a whole-wheat baguette
Why You’ll banish cancer-causing compounds found in smoked foods and add protective antioxidants.

Instead of Chicken salad sandwich made with regular mayo
TRY Tuna salad sandwich made with canola oil mayonnaise
Why You’ll get a double dose of heart-healthy omega-3 fats.

Instead of Grilled veggie burrito
TRY Chicken burrito bowl
Why You’ll lose 160 calories and 26 grams of fat—and add 4 grams of fiber.

Instead of Cheese calzone
TRY Slice of stuffed-crust pizza
Why The pizza has 410 fewer calories and 12 fewer grams of fat.

Instead of Corned beef sandwich
TRY Ham sandwich
Why You’ll eat 55 percent less fat.

Instead of Crispy chicken wrap
TRY Kid-sized hamburger
Why You’ll save 90 calories and 8 grams of fat.

Instead of Grilled chicken sandwich with mayo on white bread
TRY Grilled chicken sandwich with avocado on whole-wheat bread
Why Avocado has tons of vitamins, minerals and phytochemicals, plus cholesterol-lowering plant sterols. Whole-wheat bread adds fiber and 30 percent more protein than white bread.

Instead of Falafel pita
TRY Pita with hummus
Why The fried falafel has 203 more calories and 11 more grams of fat than the hummus.

Starters

Instead of Vegetable soup
TRY Split pea soup
Why You’ll get 10 grams of protein. That’s more than what’s in a glass of milk or an egg.

Instead of Buffalo wings with ranch or blue cheese dressing
TRY Shrimp cocktail with cocktail sauce
Why You’ll lose the bad fats (in the dressing and chicken skin) and gain inflammation-fighting omega-3s.

Instead of Panfried pork dumplings
TRY A cup of wonton soup
Why You’ll trim 257 calories and 22 grams of fat.

Instead of Shrimp tempura appetizer (3 shrimp)
TRY Tuna sashimi (4 pieces)
Why You’ll get more heart-healthy omega-3s while also saving 11 grams of fat and 58 calories.

Instead of Half a cheese quesadilla
TRY A bowl of chicken tortilla soup
Why The soup has 60 percent less fat and calories than the quesadilla. Bonus: Its high water content will fill you up so you’ll eat less later.

Instead of Bread and butter
TRY Baguette dipped in olive oil and vinegar
Why Vinegar is rich in acetic acid, which has been shown to make you feel fuller after a meal by stabilizing blood sugar. And the olive oil’s better for your heart than that artery-clogging butter.

Dinner

Instead of Chicken cutlets sautéed in corn oil with a side of roasted potatoes
TRY Chicken cutlets sautéed in canola oil with roasted cauliflower
Why Canola oil provides more omega-3s than most other cooking oils, and cauliflower is loaded with phytochemicals that protect against carcinogens.

Instead of Steak fajitas with flour tortillas
TRY Shrimp fajitas with corn tortillas
Why You’ll save 400 calories and 22 fat grams, and trade saturated fat for heart-smart omega-3s.

Instead of Meat lasagna
TRY Cheese ravioli
Why Compared with the lasagna, the ravioli is downright skinny—it has roughly half as much total and saturated fat.

Instead of Hot dog with a small serving of fries
TRY Veggie burger with 1⁄2 cup vegetarian baked beans
Why You’ll cut 22 fat grams and gain 7 grams of fiber.

Instead of Spaghetti with broccoli, garlic and olive oil
TRY Udon noodles with broccoli, garlic and sesame oil
Why A bowl of udon noodles (Japanese noodles made from whole wheat) has 40 percent more fiber.

Instead of Meat loaf made from 85 percent lean ground beef
TRY Meat loaf made with white-meat ground turkey
Why In addition to trimming 100 calories, you’ll save a whopping 13 grams of fat per slice.

Instead of Sichuan beef
TRY Moo shu pork
Why You’ll lose 300 calories and gain 20 grams of fiber.

Instead of Chicken stir-fry
TRY Tandoori chicken
Why The tandoori has turmeric, an antioxidant spice in curry powder that may help ward off Alzheimer’s disease.

Sides

Instead of Rice
TRY Baked potato
Why That spud has nearly three times the fiber you’d get in a cup of cooked rice. You’ll also get 20 percent of your daily dose of potassium, which helps control blood pressure.

Instead of Spinach
TRY Broccoli
Why The calcium in broccoli—it has as much as 1⁄4 cup of milk—is much more easily absorbed than the calcium in spinach.

Instead of French fries
TRY Potato salad
Why Cooking and then cooling potatoes causes them to form resistant starch, which is a special kind of carb that helps you burn more fat. Make it even healthier by tossing your potatoes with extra-virgin olive oil, red wine vinegar and mustard instead of mayo.

Instead of Couscous
TRY Quinoa
Why When it comes to protein, quinoa is the granddaddy of grains, with more than 8 grams per cooked cup. Drizzle with 1 tsp lemon- or garlic-infused olive oil for added flavor and healthy fat.

Instead of Tossed salad with iceberg lettuce
Try Spinach salad
Why Spinach is a top source of zeaxanthin and lutein, antioxidants that keep your eyes healthy by preventing macular degeneration.

Instead of Small order of nachos
TRY 1 cup chili with 1 Tbsp lowfat shredded Cheddar cheese and 10 tortilla chips
Why You’ll still get a cheesy, crunchy dish, but for at least 300 calories and 20 fat grams less. Beans are a great source of protein and fiber, too.

Sweets, Snacks, & Munchies

Instead of Chocolate glazed doughnut
TRY French cruller
Why You’ll save 190 calories.

Instead of Hummus and pita wedges
TRY Hummus with red pepper slices
Why Red peppers are rich in beta-cryptoxanthin, an antioxidant that may help prevent lung cancer.

Instead of Cheese and crackers
TRY Cheese and an apple
Why Apples contain quercetin, a phytochemical that may help keep cancer cells from multiplying.

Instead of Potato chips
TRY Blue corn tortilla chips
Why More protein and fiber, less fat and calories.

Instead of 1⁄2 cup chocolate ice cream
TRY 1⁄2 cup fat-free chocolate pudding
Why Lose 7 grams of fat.

Instead of 1 oz cashews
TRY 1 oz almonds
Why You’ll gain 2 grams of protein and 2 grams of fiber.

Drinks

Instead of Apple juice
TRY Phytosterol-fortified orange juice
Why The phytosterols may lower LDL cholesterol.

Instead of Hot chocolate
TRY Chocolate instant breakfast drink
Why You’ll get half your daily dose of calcium.

Instead of Diet soda
TRY Coffee
Why Coffee’s a top source of antioxidants.

Instead of Flavored water
TRY 4 oz grape juice mixed with 4 oz seltzer
Why Grape juice has resveratrol, which may keep your heart healthy.

Instead of Tomato juice
TRY Calcium-enriched vegetable juice
Why It has as much calcium as a glass of milk.

Instead of Strawberry shake
TRY Strawberry smoothie
Why Fresh strawberries have plant chemicals that fight off free radicals.

Instead of 12 oz skim cappuccino
TRY 12 oz skim latte
Why The latte has 15 percent more calcium. wd

Pick Some Apples

2008-10-26T22:48:00.000-07:00

Pick a basket of apples for good health. The activity gets you and your family moving (you'll burn about 100 calories). Plus, apples contain quercetin, an antioxidant that may help ward off heart disease, cancer and more.

6 Ways to Get Your Kids to Sleep

2008-10-26T22:35:00.000-07:00

During sleep, the brain sorts and processes information gained during the day. Kids who sleep more do better in school. And lack of sleep introduces other problems. Sleepy kids aren’t necessarily drooping over their desks, scientists say. To the contrary, they’re often cranky, hyperactive and less compliant—behaviors that are sometimes mistaken for ADHD. The obesity boost is serious, too: Two separate studies reported earlier this year, one involving infants and the other 7-year-olds, found direct links between getting too little sleep and being overweight.

1. Inactivity

In order to be sleepy come night, it helps to expend a certain amount of energy during the day. Any parent of a toddler knows that on a rainy day spent inside, even a dozen extra readings of Goodnight Moon and every lullaby in your repertoire might not elicit a yawn in your still-wound-up Energizer Bunny. Same deal with older kids. They need to burn off energy to be sleepy when they’re supposed to be. Except, of course, that every day is a rainy day in 21st-century childhood, what with all those empty after-school playgrounds, backyards and play structures. Even the typical “active” kid doesn’t burn all that many calories being driven to school, flapping his arms at violin practice and running soccer drills for 30 minutes. Translation: Make sure they’re moving, lots, every day. PE class is not enough.

2. Electronics

More than 70 percent of third-graders have a TV in the bedroom, according to one study. By now you’ve probably heard this is a crummy idea that’s linked to lower test scores, higher smoking rates, more sleep problems, less reading and more obesity. Yikes! That problem is easier to solve (move the set) than the more portable, harder-to-control night vices: handheld games, cell-phone text messages, laptops. Make curfew confiscations part of the bedtime routine, if you must.

3. Caffeine

It can affect kids. Is it a huge factor? Probably not, depending on how much they have.

4. Late bedtimes

I know it’s agony to send a child to bed at 8 P.M. if you don’t get home till 7. Some parents justify that the extra face time is worth a little sleepiness the next day. But for the average child, research just doesn’t bear this out. It’s ideal if you can set it up so the child can sleep later the next day, but once school starts, there’s no more flexibility.

5. Wobbly bedtimes

Some families skip the bedtime routine altogether. Kids fall asleep, well, whenever. It may be easier in the short run, but the behavior effects snowball and wreak havoc later. There’s a bonus to consistency: Peace and quiet at 8 P.M. Imagine!

6. Weekend inconsistency

Even if kids are tucked in by 8 P.M. sharp Monday through Friday, their sleep needs can be wrecked if the schedule goes to pot on weekends.

Smart Parents Know

2008-10-26T21:54:00.000-07:00

1. Your first instinct is usually the right one.

2. Time-outs aren't just for kids.

3. Sometimes all a kid really needs is someone to listen.

4. You can't do it all-and that's ok.

5. A nap works wonders on cranky toddlers and cranky spouses.

6. On a hectic day, fast food equals a stress-free dinner-no guilt allowed!

Better Homework Habits

2008-10-22T01:46:00.000-07:00

If kids go to their rooms to concentrate on homework, that strategy can backfire. Especially if they have too many distractions such as TVs, video games, and other electronics in their rooms. Instead, have quiet hours in the house and have children do their homework the old-fashioned way. At the kitchen or dining room table. As long as it's relatively quiet, no TV or radio blaring nearby, there's no reason they shouldn't do their homework in a public room. It gives parents a glimpse into what they're doing and if they need help with their work. Be sure to build in break time for a snack, a short evening walk, or have the kids help you get ready for tomorrow morning.

Become A Night-Before Family

2008-10-22T01:32:00.001-07:00

Mornings are hands-down the most chaotic time during the school day-getting ready, finding missing clothes, shoes or books (which were there the night before!), making breakfasts and lunches, and getting out the door before the bus comes or the bell rings. Make it easier on your morning selves by working together the night before. List everything you and the kids could have ready for the next day-tommorow's clothes, lunches, shoes, coats-and put them in place. Work together-form a lunch-making assembly line, for example-and odds are you can tackle these tasks in 15 or 20 minutes.

Set aside a space by the door where you can each have a night-before bin (a plastic organizer with drawers), or for younger kids, a carton that they can decorate. Make sure the bins are big enough to contain all the morning necessities. You mornings will be much less hectic when the night crew is on the job. To keep track of needed items, put a Nagtag on your child's backpack. You can easily program these electronic listkeepers with all manner of information. $19.99 from nagtags.com.

Cleaning Rubber Duckies

2008-10-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

Can you suggest a nontoxic cleaner for floating rubber-duck toys?

When they get slimy, toss them into a gallon-size container and fill with water and 2 cups white vinegar. Soak for a few minutes, wipe with a sponge, and rinse in clean water. Allow to dry.

Outdoor Fun: Bug Finding

2008-10-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

Send little ones on an outdoor adventure (and keep them from pestering you when they're "sooo bored") with an insect-exploration kit. Stock a lunch box with the necessary tools: a jar with airholes for specimens, a notepad and pencil for sketching, a compass, a magnifying glass, and a bug guide to ID creepy crawlers all summer long.

Painted Candles

2008-10-20T01:10:00.000-07:00

Materials:

Black candles
White acrylic paint
Candle painting medium (available at crafts stores like Michaels)

Instructions:

1. Mix paint with candle painting medium (it lets paint stick to wax) following package directions.
2. Paint designs freehand, or download free stencils at painting.about.com/od/freestencils/a/stencil_hallown.htm

Pirate Costume

2008-10-20T01:07:00.000-07:00

Materials:

Old T-shirt and pants
Bandanna or 20" square of fabric
Toy eye patch and earring from costume kit
1 yd white fabric for sash and skull appliqué
Black acrylic or fabric paint
2" sponge paintbrush
Fabric glue, chalk pencil, scissors

Instructions:

1. Lay T-shirt flat and measure 2"-wide stripes; mark with chalk pencil. Paint in uneven stripes.
2. Draw and cut out skull and crossbones pattern; trace onto white fabric and cut out. Adhere to shirt with fabric glue, or sew around edges with a zigzag stitch. Draw features with black paint.
3. Cut sash from remaining fabric, making it twice as long as waist measurement.
4. Tatter pants hem and sash ends.

Candy Corn Princess

2008-10-20T01:04:00.000-07:00

Materials:

4 yds yellow and orange tulle (some spangled, if desired)
2"-wide sequined elastic trim, measured to fit waist, plus about 12" to trim hat
4 yds each of various orange and yellow ribbon; ruffled ribbon trim
Orange rhinestones
12" dowel
White posterboard
Orange and yellow poster paints
Fabric glue
Needle and thread
Clear packing tape
Store-bought orange top, toy necklace
1 bag candy corn

Instructions:

1. Skirt: Sew 4 or 5 layers of tulle and lengths of ribbon at sides to sequined elastic.
2. Hat: Paint orange and yellow stripes on 20" length of posterboard; roll into cone shape. Adhere inside with tape, also taping enough ribbon inside on both sides to tie under chin. Glue ruffled ribbon trim along brim, and leftover piece of sequined elastic to top. Run 24" lengths of tulle and ribbons through hole at top, taping inside. Glue on rhinestones.
3. Wand and necklace: Cut three 3" circles from posterboard; glue on rhinestones and candy corn. For wand, glue 2 circles and ruffled ribbon to top of dowel. String third circle onto necklace.

Mini-Treat Bags and Tree

2008-10-20T01:02:00.000-07:00

Materials:

Varied 3" x 41⁄2" pieces of fabric (you can use scraps left over from pennant bunting)
Needle and thread or sewing machine
Ribbon, string or twine for drawstring
Scissors
Black spray paint, branch

Instructions:

1. Fold down long edge of rectangle 5⁄8" on wrong side of fabric. Stitch 1⁄2" from fold to make casing.
2. Fold rectangle in half, right sides of fabric together. Stitch along cut edges (1⁄4" seam allowance), stopping just before casing.
3. Turn right side out. Attach safety pin to drawstring and work through casing. Tie ends of string together.
4. Hang on spray-painted branch.

Pennant Bunting

2008-10-20T00:59:00.000-07:00

Materials:

Variety of orange and black fabric
Double-fold wide bias tape
Stitch Witchery or similar fusible bonding tape
Scissors

Instructions:

1. Cut 8"-long triangles from fabric.

2. Cut bias tape desired length of bunting. Fold tape in half and iron in crease.

3. Sandwich flags inside fold of bias tape, with Stitch Witchery on underside and top side of flag between layers of bias tape.

4. Iron in place to fuse the bond. (If desired, stitch down with sewing machine to secure.)

Trick-or-Treat Banner

2008-10-20T00:58:00.000-07:00

Materials:

Newspaper
Black construction paper or card stock
Embroidery floss or twine
Glue or double-stick tape
Scrapbook-type letters
Pinking shears

Instructions:

1. Cut 2½" x 6" length of newspaper with pinking shears. Fold in half over string; glue or tape edges together at bottom.
2. Pink squares of black paper in slightly smaller size. Glue to top of newspaper strips.
3. Glue sparkly letters to surface.

Last-Minute Halloween Decorating

2008-10-20T00:48:00.000-07:00

Flickering candlelight reflected in clear glass candy containers captures the Halloween spirit and casts a ghostly glow.

Make streamers by cutting black garbage bags into strips and hanging them from doorways.

Put red-food-colored spaghetti, yellow-food-colored cauliflower, and pearl onions in seperate jars and label as intestines, brains and eyeballs. Ghostly smore from dry ice completes the spooky laboratory.

Stretch cotton or Dacron batting over picture frames and in corners to create spiderwebs.

Black crows perched on porch lights and in cages set a macabre, Hitchcockian mood.

A banner beckons little ghouls to help themselves to mini-treat bags hung from a haunted tree.

Halloween Websites

2008-10-20T00:40:00.000-07:00

jack-o-lantern.com. You'll find carving tips, free pumpkin patterns and even a scary screensaver here. For dozens of more free printable patterns, go to gonewengland.about.com/od/pumpkincarving.

crayola.com/halloween. Parents and teachers will love the coloring pages, cards and wonderful video demos of kids' craft projects.

wilton.com. Wilton has tons of recipes for sweet concoctions. You can also buy an adorable ghost pan cake pan, pumpkin cookie cutters and everything else you need for spook-tacular baking.

frightcatalog.com. If you need mini-tombstones or a giant inflatable spider, find it at this shopping site. For hundreds of free costume ideas for kids and adults, check out budget101.com/budget102_boo.htm.

Paint a Cute Pumpkin

2008-10-20T00:36:00.000-07:00

For little kids, it's a safe alternative to carving a jack-o'-lantern, plus you won't have the mess. On a clean pumpkin, use washable poster paints for your design. Paint a non-Halloween image for a pumpkin that you can display all season.

Make it a Safe Halloween

2008-10-19T22:59:00.000-07:00

Illuminate your jack-o'-lantern with battery-powered candles instead of real ones. They have a light that flickers like a real flame, and some are even made of wax!

Your Child's Emotional Health

2008-10-19T22:53:00.000-07:00

By Madonna Behen Posted August 28, 2008 from Woman's Day

ANXIETY DISORDERS

These are the most prevalent mental health issues in kids, but they’re not the most commonly diagnosed, says Dr. Ferrell. “Anxiety disorders such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder and phobias are known as the ‘quiet disorders.’ These children aren’t disruptive, so they don’t usually stand out,” she says. “The behavior has to happen consistently and interfere with daily functioning in order to receive a diagnosis.” Other things that could cause anxiety, such as being bullied in school, also need to be ruled out, says Dr. Kinlan.

Most kids are treated with behavioral therapy, and medication can help with severe cases. “Parents play a big part because they can really help the child learn how to handle the anxiety-provoking situations,” she says.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder
what to look for “This is the child who worries excessively, and about things that kids normally don’t stress over—like the family finances,” says Dr. Ferrell.
what helps Guiding the child to think about his fears in a different way. “The therapist teaches the child how to recognize catastrophic thinking and how to better manage it,” adds Dr. Ferrell.

Separation Anxiety Disorder
what to look for “A child who always has a hard time being away from a parent and it interferes with her daily life—she doesn’t want to go to school, or refuses to go to sleep without a parent in the room or close by,” says Dr. Ferrell. Stranger anxiety is normal and peaks at about 18 months; the red flags are if the child doesn’t seem to grow out of it and she persistently worries about losing a parent.
what helps Building the child’s confidence in her ability to separate: gradually putting her in situations away from parents, and providing lots of positive reinforcement when she’s able to do it.

Social Anxiety
what to look for Kids who are extremely distressed in social situations or avoid them altogether. (A child who’s just shy, on the other hand, will gradually start to open up once he’s been in the situation—such as a party or a class—a few times.) “Social anxiety peaks in preadolescence, but often symptoms first show up in preschool in kids who are slower to engage with other people,” says Dr. Ferrell.
what helps Role playing is a big part of therapy. “A parent might help the child practice ways to introduce himself to someone new on the playground,” says Dr. Kinlan. “Start slowly and make it fun.”

Specific Phobias
what to look for A fear that stops the child from doing things she’d normally enjoy. “Someone with a bee phobia, for example, may be so afraid of them that she refuses to go outside for recess,” says Dr. Ferrell. Physiological symptoms such as sweating and trembling can happen, too, even in reaction to a picture.
what helps As with social phobia, treatment involves gradually exposing a child to the source of her fear. “If she can’t even look at a picture of a bee, we start by having her look at the picture for just a few minutes, then go from there,” says Dr. Ferrell.

Obsessive Comulsive Disorder
what to look for Repetitive, strictly methodical behavior, like washing hands several times, having to brush teeth in a certain way or needing to “even things up.” “For example, if a child steps on something with his right foot, he then has to step on it with his left,” explains Dr. Kinlan. Another big sign: When you ask the child to stop the behavior or hurry up, he can’t do it. “The obsessive part is time-consuming, disastrous thoughts; the compulsive part is doing something to get rid of those thoughts,” says Dr. Ferrell.
what helps Treatment is similar to that of the other anxiety disorders: With the help of a therapist, the child is exposed to the source of his anxiety, prevented from doing the ritual and works through the feelings surrounding it.

ADHD

what to look for A child who’s hyper, impulsive and unable to focus in more than one area of her life (say, at home and at school), and these symptoms last for more than 6 months, says Dr. Kinlan. If a child is acting up in the classroom but is fine at home, she may have a learning disability. “Girls with ADHD can sometimes go undiagnosed because they’re often not hyperactive but daydreaming in the back of the room,” says Dr. Kinlan.
what helps A combination of medication and what therapists call psychosocial intervention, which gives the child practical coping strategies. For instance, homework can be difficult for kids with ADHD, says Dr. Ferrell. Parents can help by breaking up the work into smaller 20- or 30-minute chunks, putting each assignment into a separate folder and giving lots of positive reinforcement for getting it done.

DEPRESSION

what to look for Sadness that lasts for an extended period of time—a few weeks or more—and causes the child to lose interest in his usual activities or hobbies. “There’s also a hint of irritability that you typically don’t see as much in depressed adults,” says Dr. Ferrell. “If the child is usually ‘the good kid,’ and now he’s constantly ornery and disrespectful, that’s a big warning.”
what helps Psychiatrists often prescribe antidepressants, but parents can also help by slowly getting the child back into activities he enjoys.

“Adults who are depressed tend to shut down, and kids do the same,” says Dr. Ferrell. “So it’s about putting him in situations that spark positive feelings and help him remember what he liked to do.” You might invite a good friend he hasn’t seen in a while to dinner (start with a small, structured time period so that it’s not so overwhelming).

It’s crucial to treat depression—untreated kids are at risk for suicide, especially if they’re also using drugs or alcohol, points out Dr. Kinlan.

Top 5 Parent Myths

2008-10-19T21:39:00.000-07:00

Myth 1: A good parent likes their children all the time

It’s perfectly OK that you lets her kids know when they are not your favorite people. It’s when you suppress those less-than-parently feelings that you’re more likely to lose control and act in ways that you’ll regret.

Given the challenges of raising kids, it would be impossible for you to be happy with your brood, and they with you, every day. Some days you just want to pack their bags, drop them off at the train station and drive away. That’s normal. If you can find the caring, kind parts of you 75 percent of the time, you’re doing really well!

Myth 2: A good parent bonds with their children immediately

For the most part, parents do have strong instincts to protect, nurture and love their kids. Sometimes, however, your newborn may seem like a stranger at first. Bonding isn’t always instantaneous. Like any relationship, your connection to your children develops over time. You learn to become a parent by getting to know them and by them getting to know you. Instead of feeling inadequate or blaming yourself, focus on the many successes you help your child achieve as he grows.

Myth 3: A good parent balances it all

Everyone knows at least one “perfect” parent-the one with the always-sparkling kitchen, the well-behaved children and the exciting career. How do they do it? They don’t—at least, not without help. We don’t see them behind the scenes when their children are screaming, they're arguing with their spouse and they're falling apart. We’re so sure that everyone else but us is doing a great job of balancing their lives.

There’s no virtue in pretending you can do it all—or breaking your neck trying to. All that does is up your stress levels. In other cultures, parents flock around a new parent to help ease the child-care burden. So create your own “village” of friends and relatives, along with your spouse, and take turns supporting each other to get chores done, tend to responsibilities and take a bit of downtime.

You also need to recognize your limitations and be willing to make some compromises. You may not be able to do everything on your list, and that’s the trade-off in order to squeeze in some relaxation. If you can get a little balance into your life even once or twice a week—say, taking a half-hour walk, or putting your feet up and reading a magazine for 20 minutes, as well as caring for your family—that’s great! It may not seem like a lot, but when you have your hands full juggling the demands of life, those 20 minutes will feel like a godsend.

Myth 4: A good parent spends a lot of time with their kids—and they like them because of it

You volunteer in the classroom, chaperone the field trips, coach your daughter’s soccer team—all in an effort to get closer to your kids. But is it too much of a good thing? Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt.

There are no studies that show punching a time clock with your children will guarantee their adoration. It’s the nature of the interaction that counts. If you listen to your children, laugh and relax with them, make them feel loved, it teaches them that relationships are a source of joy. They’ll like you because of that—not because you helped man the punch bowl at the school dance.

Also, take a lesson and put on the brakes a bit when your kids have had enough. It’s important to read the signs that your child is ready for more independence. That doesn’t mean you have to stop spending time with your kids; however, a little less might go a long way.

Myth 5: A good parent belongs to one big, supportive parent' Club

Those who cling to the parent myths are less likely to be understanding of other parents. They are too frightened of the feeling that they may have made a wrong choice and so they can’t support yours.

Of course, not all parents are critical or feel criticized. The upshot? Some parents will be supportive and others won’t. The key to dealing with those who aren’t is to understand where they’re coming from. Some people suggests talking to your “critics.” You may find that they are just trying to validate their own choices out of insecurity, or haven’t shared their true feelings out of fear that you might judge them. When it comes to parent myths of any kind, the bottom line is to trust your own parenting instincts

Avoid Ants at Your Next Backyard Barbeques

2008-09-28T00:18:00.000-07:00

If you have ant trouble when your family has backyard barbeques, simply place each leg of the picnic table in a pan of water. Because ants can't swim, they can't climb up the table legs.

Vacation Safety

2008-09-27T23:08:00.000-07:00

When your family goes on vacation, make sure you take along a power strip so each of you can plug in your cell phones, cameras and whatever else. They are all in one place, so it'll be easier to keep from leaving anything at your hotel.

Memory Maker

2008-09-27T23:05:00.000-07:00

Once your kids outgrow those souvenir T-shirts you buy on vacations, cut out the picture on the front, wrap it around cardboard and frame it in an inexpensive frame to hang on the wall. It is a unique way to remember some of the places you've been.

Colorful Easter Eggs

2008-09-27T22:47:00.000-07:00

For an excellent alternative to traditional Easter egg decorating, try this trick. Paint hard-boiled or blown eggs yourself with black chalkboard paint (spray or brush-on), then let kids go to town with colored chalk.

Some Bedroom Tips

2008-09-11T23:36:00.000-07:00

1. Toss the too-small laundry hamper, and replace it with something that won't overflow in a day (face it-your kids are getting bigger, and so are their clothes). Corral dirties in a hamper large enough for a week's worth of clothing and line it with a drawstring bag that's easy to tote to the laundry room.

2. Keep their hard-earned trophies and well-loved figurines-just not scattered around the room. Display them on shelves mounted on little-used wall space (over a window or dresser).

3. Toss outgrown toys and clothes, but give your child a say in what stays, lest you throw away a shirt he or she still adores. Encourage the purge by explaining how the donations can help those in need or a younger family member or friend.

4. You may not know how to run all of your kid's electronics, but you do know you don't want them to short out or harm your child. Pick up surge protectors, like the PowerSquid models, $30.

5. Tack it on a corkboard. It gives your child a place to post her favorite magazine clippings, photos, and ticket stubs-and keeps you from filling in a bunch of holes in the wall when she's like, totally over her Zac Efron crush. Also, cut a piece of Plexiglas to fit her desk, so she can slip memorabilia underneath (plastic is cheaper and safer than real glass). Stop magazines and notebooks from littering the floor with a hanging rack.

6. Hooks mounted at her eye level give jackets and bags a home, while a bin (you can paint a simple baking pan) does the same for shoes. Repurpose an over-the-door shoe holder to hold things she'll grab and go, from sunglasses to her iPod.

7. Use a headboard with shelves to store books and other little treasures. You can also use under-bed bins for putting away video and board games.

Acne

2008-09-11T23:22:00.000-07:00

If your teen has a bad breakout of acne, have them put a dab of toothpaste-the white kind, not the gel-on it and it dries up overnight.

Morning Chaos: Clothes

2008-09-11T00:27:00.000-07:00

If your kids are fussing over what to wear in the morning, try this. Every Sunday night, help your kids pick out their clothes for the entire week and store them in a hanging 10-shelf canvas closet organizer.

Safe Carved Pumpkins

2008-09-11T00:23:00.000-07:00

If you are worried about having trick-or-treaters come to your house when you have lighted candles in jack-o'-lanterns, here is a good alternative. Instead of using candles, use glow sticks in the pumpkins. The green colored glow sticks will make the pumpkins look more scary.

Birthday Memories

2008-09-11T00:13:00.000-07:00

Every year, film your kids on their birthdays for about 30-40 minutes (or maybe more or less, depending on your decision). When they turn 18 you will have a recording of each of them for you to enjoy and for them to laugh at.

Gaming Strategy

2008-09-11T00:11:00.000-07:00

If your teens' grades are suffering because they were playing video games, set up a reward system. For every 20 minutes of work, they get one poker chip, which they can exchange for 15 minutes of game time.

College Prep

2008-09-10T23:55:00.000-07:00

When your teens start looking at colleges, make a folder for each of them. Post a list of their activities on the outside, and place their report cards in an inside pocket so when application time came they were ready.

Multiple Schedules

2008-09-10T23:20:00.001-07:00

It's hard to keep track of everyone's schedule, so assign a specific color to each family member. This way when you write down an appointment, you can easily tell who needs to be where and when.

Complaint Jar

2008-09-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

Here is a tip for those with kids who complain endlessly. Label a jar "Complaints" and put it somewhere accessible. Whenever they have a complaint, they can write it down and put it in the jar. Once a week, go through all of them and come up with solutions.

Welcome to the Blog!

2008-09-10T23:05:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blog all about parenting. This blog is for those who have questions and just don't seem to get the answers. There will be many different things in this blog from babies to college age kids. The blog also deals with organizing, homework and studying. I hope you all find these tips useful.